This Week's Sarcasm, I Mean, Ticker: Vol. 2 No. 21

You mean I can blame one of those 14 pregnancy pounds on her!? Yay! Surely that lovely weight gain has nothing to do with the early-morning and late-night munchies. Pre-preggy, I could go the whole morning without more than a cup of coffee. Now? Audible stomach growls during home room. Kids have turned from their morning work to stare. Of course there's also the fact that I'm a giant wuss when it comes to exercise. Oh, I still do it. Gotta keep the blood sugar down. I just have a hard time riding the stationary bike at 8:30, like old times, when I'm already passed out on the couch. So I "power" walk at school, during my lunch break. (And I of course look soooo hip to the middle schoolers, out of breath with my arms pumping. I am the height of cool!) I like rainy days when instead of walking outside, I walk a circuit around the long hallways of the building:

"Look, there's the crazy red-haired lady again! Why doesn't she just walk to the copier room like a normal person? And why doesn't she remember to take off her teacher badge so it doesn't bounce around and smack her in the arms the whole time?"

See? Sooooo cool am I.

But the doctor I spoke to Tuesday (one of two - Tuesdays was appointment day) didn't seem concerned at all. So I've given myself permission not to be completely freaked out as well. 14 pounds... Say it with me now: "Pregnant = Weight Gain." (Yes, but I've spent well over the last year in pursuit of the opposite. Difficult mental switch to make.)

Last time? I lost 20 pounds. Seriously. Nobody else believes me either. And God knows what I put in my body for the first 20 weeks. Fruits and veggies of course, but I also recall an incident with an entire can of Sour Cream & Onion Pringles. What? Don't judge. Then the GD hit. (Anybody else not surprised?) So the diet/exercise regiment began. Bye-bye carbs. (And carbs are everywhere, in practically everything. Lurking.) Still, there must be something to this Atkins-style diet; I barely made it back up to my pre-pregnancy weight by my 9th month. Then out popped Maddie (popping sound not included) and my NOT-maternity jeans were a little too big on the ride home from the hospital. Lord, how I loved it. Reveled in it. Told everyone - because hey, when was the last time I had a successful weight-loss story? Never. Now, this time around... yeah, I'll be wearing maternity clothes home from the hospital like everyone else. Bring on the tummy panel.

Anybody else picturing a Picasso baby finally getting straightened out? Before this week, her tiny lips were on her forehead and her eyes were under her chin, right? That's cuteness.