What I Should Have Said

Thank God my big one has the attention span of a hummingbird and my little one only understands about one third of what we say.   My problem: too much TV, unchecked sarcasm, and the awareness that they're probably not hearing me anyway.  I hope.  

Yes, karma will get me good. But till then... a few of my Smart-Mouthed Mommy Gems:

• Miss M asks if it's ok to marry a prince. 

What I should have said: "That's a lovely dream, dear, but Daddy and I just want you to be happy."

What I said: "Oh good, an rich, in-bred putz for a son in-law."

• We are on our way to Bob's grandmother's nursing home. Miss M asks why. 

What I should have said: "Because we love her and we want to visit with her."

What I said: "Because we love her and I'm hoping it's good karma for when your kids can choose whether they'll visit me."

• E is standing, clinging to the coffee table, desperately straining to reach the remote.

What I should have said: "Let me move it a little closer to encourage you! You can do it, sweetie!"

What I said: (while walking away) "Eye of the tiger, Bean. Remotes are for winners."

• I requested that Miss M go get the mail from the mailbox at the end of the driveway while I stand inside in my PJs and "assist" from there.  She complains that it's "too much to carry!".

What I should have said: "Just do your best, darling, I'm so happy you're helping me."

What I said: "You know that kids your age were working in mills not that long ago, right?"

• It's 10:00 PM, and Bob and I finally have some time to-ge-ther, just the two of us.  And Miss M wakes up yelling.  I go to her, but we were butting heads that day and she says, "No, I like Daddy better."

What I should have said, "I know you're still angry and tired.  I'll give you a hug and go get Daddy."

What I said (under my breath, I swear): "Yeah, well right now? I guarantee Daddy likes me better."   ;-)

What do the 'experts' say?

"They're listening to every word you say"

"Every minute they're hardwiring for life." 

...Oops.  

Hey, if you can't have a little fun with this parenting thing, then what IS the point? 

Comment/fb/or tell me your child-directed oneliners. Surely I'm not the only one.