Tuesday, September 22, 2009

This Week's Sarcasm, I Mean, Ticker: Vol. 2 No. 19

I told you I'd get around to doing the ticker this week . *Proud self-pat on the back!* Now then:
Oh don't mess with my head, that's just mean. Make mine frozen with an umbrella. Something with Blue Curacao, please.
Sitting across the table from Sister In-law Extrodinare on Sunday, I gazed at her glass of red wine like it was a Twinkie and I was on permanent Weight-Watchers. (More on that sad metaphor later.) And I don't even really like red wine. Bottle of Red? Thanks Billy Joel, but I'll take a box of cheapo White Zin any day. We always want what we can't have, though. So we proceeded to list all the things I suddenly craved because What To Expect When You're an Ignorant Nut-Job ...and most doctors...say you shouldn't go near when you're in this delicate condition. Let's leave the whole carb-controlled diet out of this, you can only "wine" so much in one entry. Although actually, upon examination, I didn't have too much self-denial to do:
  • Sushi? Ew. You go right ahead and keep your raw fish. I'm good with my breaded sticks & tartar sauce.
  • Feta cheese, how I miss thee. What's the point of having a Greek salad at the great Greek diner if you can't have giant chunks of Feta? Way to ruin for me the only kind of salad that truly qualifies as an meal.
  • Isn't there something about shellfish? Oops. Mmm, cocktail sauce!
  • This whole lunch meat thing I'm just not buying into. It's fear of Listeria again, like the Feta. Somehow the cheese's delicious exotic-ness makes it so good it just might kill you, yes. But Ham? Yes I know I'm being inconsistent. Just keep the turkey in the fridge and go back to slathering yourself in Purell.
  • Several afore-mentioned nutjobs I know personally from work or church have mentioned the whole don't-even-touch-peanut-butter thing to me, for fear that my child will inherit his/her father's mild allergy to tree nuts. To this I say, "Sure, if you want my whole world to collapse." One: the diabetic diet is very often based around peanut butter - low carb, high protein! Two: My husband still eats it breakfast and many lunches daily, and had it for at least 2 meals a day as a child - clearly it grows a big, strong kid! Three: Maddie would lose her mind and run away to join another family.
  • ...and then, there's the coffee. My students always slyly asked, "Is that Coffff-eeee?" as if I were sinning against the school board with my morning joe. They should have figured my "condition" out by now by virtue of the fact that I no longer tote a coffee mug, Thermos, or Dunkin Donuts cup around everywhere. Herbal tea during homeroom, that's it. Seriously guys, you haven't thought much of that... but the fact that I got new black flats didn't escape you? And do you know the horrible Temptation of Meg that transpired just this morning when I drove by D&D's and did not stop to fix my little problem? (Stayed up late reading because the book was too good to put down, plus Max the Wonder Dog puked at 5AM = problem.) When this child is done with my body, I will accept Dunkin Donuts gift cards instead of stipend paychecks.

Wow, speaking of soft cheese...

Oh, and I know I'm pregnant and all (do we have a different topic lately?) but was I supposed to gain THAT much weight in like a WEEK? What did I do/eat to deserve that? Along with Little D's name (boy & girl names both picked out months ago) I better find out on Thursday that this kid weighs approximately 7 pounds now.

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