Wednesday, September 8, 2010

You Might Be a Teacher If...

1. You can hear 25 voices behind you and know exactly which one belongs to the child out of line.
If I hear 25 voices behind me, doesn't that mean they're ALL "out of line"? Or is this referring to physically not walking in a straight line? And if that's the case, WHY do I hear so many people talking, this is NOT how we walk down the hall. Please go back to the office pod and try it again.

2. You get a secret thrill out of laminating something.
Except when you break the laminator for the third time and Ms. Lisa wants to laminate YOU.

3. You walk into a store and hear the words 'It's Mrs./Ms./Mr._________' and know you have been spotted.
Truthfully, I like being spotted. Lets them know you have a life outside of, well, THEM. Zoo, boardwalk, pizza place, Target,Philadelphia International Airport, whatever.

4. You have 25 people that accidentally call you Mom/Dad at one time or another.
Try 250+. But few do after 3rd grade, except the mammas' boys.

5. You can eat a multi-course meal in under twenty-five minutes.
I could do that anyway.

6. You've trained yourself to go to the bathroom at two distinct times of the day: lunch and prep period.
Or you have contracts of mutual understanding (and class-watching) with several teachers around the building.

7. You start saving other people's trash, because most likely, you can use that toilet paper tube or plastic butter tub for something in the classroom.
There was a time, but I'm over it now. Except formula tubs, because they make fabulous bongos.

8. You believe the teachers' lounge should be equipped with a margarita machine.
I'm content with a coffee machine, but hey, if you're buying!

9. You want to slap the next person who says 'Must be nice to work 7 to 3 and have summers off.'
Yes. Yes it is. Likewise, it must be nice for those workers in "the real world" to be able to leave work at work, though. Must be nice to go through a whole day without being snotted on, too. Ooh! Good one: must be nice to have a career that doesn't prompt idiots to say, "Boy, must be nice..."

10. You believe chocolate is a food group.
Are you implying that it's not?

11. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
Amateur astronomers concur:, this one is 100% true. Walk in a 1st grade room some time around the time of a full moon and the crazy is almost palpable.

12. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, 'Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.'
Only if they don't follow up with, "They must be plotting something."

13. You feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior when you are out in public.
Yep. We all have a classroom management switch, and its default position is ON. However, the Teacher Look works wonders, even across restaurants. Not that I would EVER...

14. You believe in aerial spraying of Ritalin.
No, because the amount of paperwork for all the IEPs and 504s that would require would bury us and no Ritalin would ever seep through.

15. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
But to be fair, I've held that opinion since about age 16.

16. You spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children.
Nope. to supply each new school year, I beg, borrow, trash-pick, and order from School Specialty catalog wisely. Then I panic and go to the Lakeshore store, just in case.

17. You can't pass the school supply aisle without getting at least five items!
Me? No. Bob? Office. Depot. JUNKIE.

18. You ask your friends if the left hand turn he just made was a 'good choice or a bad choice.'
Wow, I hope not. And I'm a famously bad back seat driver. I don't get that whole "make good choices" thing. How about, "Don't be stupid."?

19. You find true beauty in a can full of perfectly sharpened pencils.
Especially if I'm not the one who just stood at the hand-crank sharpener for the past 1/2 hour. Here's a secret: Elementary students love to sharpen pencils for teachers. I haven't sharpened my own classroom pencils since 2003. And when it comes to hauling around music stands? Long live a little child labor.

20. You are secretly addicted to hand sanitizer.
Oooh! Purell makes this new stuff that's like 1/2 sanitizer, 1/2 lotion, and it looks like lotion and smells like sanitizer and oooooh....yeah, I bought 4 bottles.

I'd love some more "you might be a teacher if..." truisms. Got any more?
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Vicki T. said...

You might be a teacher still get that feeling of impending doom during the last weeks of August---AND you've been retired for 8 years!

You might be a teacher want to knock the head off of some parent (or grandparent) who's dragging a kid around Target, swearing all the way.
Eyes wide open on Parents' Night
"I have no idea where gets those words, Mrs. Something or Other".

You might be a teacher can do the SNOW DANCE and still feel like a dignified professional!

Megella said...


I left one off that list about knowing exactly what's up with the kid once you meet the parents.

But sometimes...I'm completely surprised. Either way.

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