Tuesday, September 9, 2008

So. Very. Tired.

Ah, my desk is piled with debris, my to-do list a mile long, and the sensation in my head is reminiscent of the morning after I tried the local liter beers and did the Macarena at the Hofbraushaus in Munich.

Went to bed around 11:00, read till 11:15 or so. Maddie was up at 11:30. And 12:00. And about 12:30, until 2:00. Tooth? She's always getting teeth, but that usually doesn't mean she won't sleep. She's mostly a fabulous sleeper. I brag to my friends how my awesome daughter sleeps. (Of course, their kids would actually eat at 6 months old, so they still one-up me.)("Sleepy Head" ...the jammies lie.)

My guess about the cause of last night: separation anxiety; having a hard time adjusting to our new back-t0-school schedule. She actually cried yesterday and today, when I left the house. And she doesn't cry when you leave, this kid. For a while last year, she cried when I'd get home; "Hey! That's right! You left me!" But come on; she was at home, she was with Nana, and there were toys to play with. Why worry about Mommy or Daddy going bye-bye? Things to do!
It does weird things to me, this crying when I leave. On one hand, it pumps up the working-mommy guilt. Because I'm a nutcase, I sat down last night and calculated how many hours she's awake, then figured out how many hours a week I'm with her and how many hours I'm away. You ready? I'm there 61% of the time. For a working parent, that's not bad at all. But the thought of missing 39% of Maddie time, the crazy-cool things she does and says...that's heartbreaking.
And then there's the other hand; The guilty-insecure Mommy's brain feels bad that she's upset, feels bad for Nana who has to deal with that upset, but whispers anyway: "She cries when I leave! She misses me!"
Yes, I know she loves us and misses us when we're gone. I don't need that pep talk. We're Mommy and Daddy. Of course she does! But the reminder is nice, when you have the child who usually doesn't bat an eye when you go to work. The closet-fretter than I am, like many, I worry about the whole being-there-for-your-child-work-vs.-home thing. It's actually really nice to have a little reminder that she cares.
Yes, sick, aren't I? I know it.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Not at all, Kiddo! Not at all! That's what makes you a mommy! "Motherhood is learning how to live with your heart walking around outside your body."
Love,
Mom :-)

Anonymous said...

I love that you did math to work things out for yourself. But no, you're not sick at all.

And, remember, when you go away she's learning (in her own, almost 2-year-old way) to be on her own, and to take care of herself. These are lessons that will one day help her become an independent woman who knows her loving mommy & daddy are always there for her. Just my two cents.

crazyoatie.

Thomas said...

I remember the same ritual when I left you with Miss Jan. But it didn't cripple you emotionally, did it? It felt that way to me at the time though, believe me.

And the other side of the coin is seeing the second graders who had stay-at-home mommies still tearfully clinging to Mommy or Daddy, afraid of the world and anything unfamiliar. They more closely resemble the emotionally crippled to me.

You're doing great.-Dad

Megymelly said...

Actually, Dad, I've been meaning to mention the crippling emotional damage I suffered at the hands of those crazy babysitters. ...Ok, kidding, kidding! I don't remember much of Miss Jan's. But Learning Tree was awesome. I was what, 4 there? and I remember it was truly awesome. I would be thrilled to find a preschool like that for Maddie. :-) My teacher Miss. Jane calling me "Megalla-Megalla"...what more can a 4 year old ask?

Anonymous said...

OMG. There was a Jew in that part of PA?? (Megalla = Meg-ele in yiddish...)

;)

crazyoatie.

cyndee said...

As Shannon cheerfully walked away on her first day of kindergarten, I was sooo proud! "Well, aren't I doing a good job!" I smugly thought. As Rebecca bounced away on her first day of pre-school, I looked around at the crying-clingers and thought, "Why don't my kids like me!?" Ahhh, parenting! Yes, you ARE crazy - we all are! :-)

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